Alittle more therapy for me-

It helps me at times to just type away what I am thinking. Good to get it off the chest. Not necessarily will it make the problem go away or for that matter any better. But here's the thing-

The girls saw their biological Grandma. She is a nice person and means well. She loves those girls just like many others. She had great fear when we got the girls that we wouldn't allow her to see them. However both my hubby and I know that family is very important. She is their family. So about once every 3-4 months she comes to town. She stays in a hotel along with her daughter who comes and her other 2 grandchild. So not only do they see Grandma they also get to see their 2 cousins and aunt. The last 2 times she has come we have actually been able to let ourselves enjoy some quiet time and let the girls have a sleep over. The first few times we just weren't ready to give that much trust. Anyways, they have a great time seeing their family. The girls also have a Grandpa that is in another state that they talk with on the phone. He also sends them little presents in the mail. They haven't seen him in a few years and will hopefully see him at Christmas time 2009. That is the plans so far.

Hubby went to drop the girls off and Grandma told him that she has been talking to their birth mom. Not alot is usually said but she will ask if the girls are alright. According to Grandma mom knows that it would be a very hard thing for the girls if she came back right now. Hello, of course it would be hard. It will be at any point. According to Grandma mom will come back in about 3 years.

3 years? What does that mean for them? What does that mean for me? My hubby? What does that mean for Sweet Baby Girl who only knows home with her big sisters? The dancer will be about 10 years old and Rose will be about 8. I will not lie about my biggest fear. We all have fears. My biggest fear is that something will happen to my hubby and their birth mom will get those girls back. Do you know what that would do to me? Do you know what that would do to them? Yes, we have a paper that states both hubby and I have custody and if anything happens to hubby they are mine. But it also states below that the Birth mom has the right to go to the courts and seek custody or whatever she may want to try for. Who says that won't happen? Who says the judge will be on my side? Will I even have it in me to fight. God knows I would do what I could.

They are just as much my girls as hers. Aren't they? I am the one who has to tell The Dancer it is ok to miss her mom. I am the one who has to tell her when she cries that her mom misses her to. I am the one who has to tell her that her Mom felt she was better here with her dad and I. I am the one who has to comfort Rose when the little boy on the bus picks on her.

The Dancer is a sweetheart to everyone. She is the type of person who will forget and forgive her birth mom much faster than she should. I am not in anyway saying she shouldn't know her but shouldn't there be some anger? Some hurt? Some confusion? Not only did their mom leave them she took their half sister with her. They have missed out on over a year with her.

The Dancer has had a very rough week when it comes to bedtimes. She knew her Grandma was coming and we think that thinking of Grandma and understanding that is her mom's mom that it makes it hard for her to cope with everything. It brings up things that she can remember. Rose does not say too much. Rose usually talks about it when The Dancer does. I think being Rose is younger she is forgetting her some. She doesn't remember as much as The Dancer.

3 years? What if its sooner? What if its longer? There are so many what ifs. Can I happily just wish and pray for her to never come back? But then what is that doing? She is the women who gave birth to them. They do have a right to know her but in what way?

The Grandma gave them a present that their birth mom sent for them. It was a box of Bendaroos (they advertise them on tv and we told the girls we would only buy them if we found them in the store. They are cheap and not worth it). Anyways, she also sent them things at Christmas. What is the reason for this? Is she trying to buy their love? Sending them gift is not going to make life better for them.

There are just alot of what ifs. Things that we can only prepare ourselves for when they happen. I also fear that no matter what those girls will in some way suffer. They are so well taken care of here. They are so very spoiled by not only hubby and I but our families. They are so loved. But they will always have to deal with the fact that their birth mom left them.

I will always have to deal with the fact that she may come back.

ITS A BABY!

It is defiantly what it is! No way around it. No need to worry they are wrong. Its defiantly going to be a BOY! We need to get some blue in the house after all! Now the lady took a picture of its little boy part. Why would they do that? Just seems wrong even if he is unborn. I won't be sharing that picture. Just can't do it. They also confirmed with excitement I was right with my dates and I am still due the end of August. Actually shows the 25th instead of the 27th! So what my doctor was thinking at my last appt. I do not know.

Now my Hubby and I went to Target and I was lucky to be able to get what I got. He said it wasn't time to shop. Hmm, me not shop. Yeah, right. I will have to go another time when he's at home!! So I only got 2 things. The blanket says Thank Heaven for Little Boys and the shirt says mommy rules!

PS for those who have checked my blog more than once today looking for this post I got to it as soon as I could. Hubby and I also enjoyed a quiet lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings! Not too often we get to go without the kiddos.

What will it be?

Well some of the vote are in as to what's it going to be a boy or a girl. Let's hope we can find out!
Mom: Girl
Dad: Boy
Rose and The Dancer: Girl
Grandma R: Boy
Auntie M: She thinks girl because she feels we'll end up with all girls but thinks boy because my tummy looks different than with Sweet Baby Girl. I am carrying different this time. I am more rounded than the last time.

I go in today at 11am! Then out to lunch! I can't wait. I am already hungry!

Vice President

Well, I am moving up in the world! I am running for Vice President! Oh no not of the United States of America but for the Crow Wing County Licensed Family Child Care Association! I did a 2 year term as Secretary and I am now completing a 1 year term as a Board Member. I have decided to try and move up the ladder and run for Vice President! We have 181 (give or take a few each month) Home Daycares in our county. As a board we plan trainings for the providers who wish to attend. We get phone calls from providers with questions on certain issues such as Daycare Assistance programs, busing issues, and behavioral things. We also coordinate a referral list for parents looking for childcare. Each month the association also puts out a newsletter that is done up by the secretary (they have the busy work). We also enter a float in the Homecoming Parade and put on a Day of the Young Child event that is like a carnival. The election will be held the last Monday of this month at a potluck dinner and meeting! Being a part of the board has been a great way for me to meet other people. Some would think the other providers are my competition but really we are a group of people working together to make a difference for the children we care for and its a great way to network with others and get new and exciting ideas!

Hubby is so far ok with the idea. He has to be since he is the babysitter when I have my 2 meetings each month (we get the summer off)! He's done great with the 3 girls when I am gone and its great for me to also get out of the house. We'll see how he does with 4 kids come fall!

Family

This was taken Easter morning at church with Hubby's dad.

These two pictures where taken at Easter. I didn't get very excited family members when I said I wanted a family picture. I also think we were standing in the sun. After they were taken I realized nobody stood in front of me to hide my very large tummy. I tried to get them to re-take the picture but my brothers decided to leave so that couldn't happen. Oh well. Just remember when looking at them I AM PREGNANT and HUGE!

I am like my Mother

A few weeks ago Rose would complain she was sick every time we talked about preschool or when she thought it was preschool time. She would get really upset and tell me we needed to call the teacher that she had to stay home. We found out after 3 days of this that there was a little boy on the bus that was bothering her and she didn't like sitting next to him. So I talked with the driver. Well, last week and this week I noticed a new driver. I didn't think much of it. Yesterday Rose went to school on the bus with no problems. When she got home she told me that she couldn't sit next to her friend B because the driver said B was having a bad day. Turns out the boy she didn't want to sit with sat next to her. Rose had a terrible terrible night. She was crabby and tried to tell me preschool was over. I didn't think too much of it. Today when we had lunch I told her she needed to eat nice so she was ready for the bus. She started to cry. I asked what was wrong and she told me again that the boy bothers her. So I called her teacher and spoke to her and she is looking into who this boy is. Rose tells me he is not in her class.

The bus came and Rose asked me to go with her. I walked her to the bus and she started to cry. I picked her up and told her if she cried I would cry. That is the same thing my mom used to say to me when I was little and was upset. After I said it I couldn't believe I did. I am like my mother!

I spoke to the driver and she had Rose sit in the front by a little girl who I usually see wave to me each day Rose gets picked up. I felt terrible having her get on the bus with tears. I walked away and I cried to. No mother wants their child to be afraid to ride the bus to school. I am still struggling with the fact I can not drive her like some of the other mothers can do. I am thankful I am home with her and the other girls when they need me home. I am just sad I can not drive them to school or go to school and help in their classrooms. I do know I need to be thankful that I spend most of their time with them. I know there are alot of parents who don't get that chance. I am just struggling with this. Hopefully in time it will pass.

Rose will get off the bus at 3:15 and I will make sure I am there waiting for her!

But now I need to come to terms that I am like my mother!

A few words and pictures

Rose and her daycare friends made a pretend Bomb fire!

Sweet Baby Girl being a Ball Hog!

My 3 Pink Roses!