Alittle more therapy for me-

It helps me at times to just type away what I am thinking. Good to get it off the chest. Not necessarily will it make the problem go away or for that matter any better. But here's the thing-

The girls saw their biological Grandma. She is a nice person and means well. She loves those girls just like many others. She had great fear when we got the girls that we wouldn't allow her to see them. However both my hubby and I know that family is very important. She is their family. So about once every 3-4 months she comes to town. She stays in a hotel along with her daughter who comes and her other 2 grandchild. So not only do they see Grandma they also get to see their 2 cousins and aunt. The last 2 times she has come we have actually been able to let ourselves enjoy some quiet time and let the girls have a sleep over. The first few times we just weren't ready to give that much trust. Anyways, they have a great time seeing their family. The girls also have a Grandpa that is in another state that they talk with on the phone. He also sends them little presents in the mail. They haven't seen him in a few years and will hopefully see him at Christmas time 2009. That is the plans so far.

Hubby went to drop the girls off and Grandma told him that she has been talking to their birth mom. Not alot is usually said but she will ask if the girls are alright. According to Grandma mom knows that it would be a very hard thing for the girls if she came back right now. Hello, of course it would be hard. It will be at any point. According to Grandma mom will come back in about 3 years.

3 years? What does that mean for them? What does that mean for me? My hubby? What does that mean for Sweet Baby Girl who only knows home with her big sisters? The dancer will be about 10 years old and Rose will be about 8. I will not lie about my biggest fear. We all have fears. My biggest fear is that something will happen to my hubby and their birth mom will get those girls back. Do you know what that would do to me? Do you know what that would do to them? Yes, we have a paper that states both hubby and I have custody and if anything happens to hubby they are mine. But it also states below that the Birth mom has the right to go to the courts and seek custody or whatever she may want to try for. Who says that won't happen? Who says the judge will be on my side? Will I even have it in me to fight. God knows I would do what I could.

They are just as much my girls as hers. Aren't they? I am the one who has to tell The Dancer it is ok to miss her mom. I am the one who has to tell her when she cries that her mom misses her to. I am the one who has to tell her that her Mom felt she was better here with her dad and I. I am the one who has to comfort Rose when the little boy on the bus picks on her.

The Dancer is a sweetheart to everyone. She is the type of person who will forget and forgive her birth mom much faster than she should. I am not in anyway saying she shouldn't know her but shouldn't there be some anger? Some hurt? Some confusion? Not only did their mom leave them she took their half sister with her. They have missed out on over a year with her.

The Dancer has had a very rough week when it comes to bedtimes. She knew her Grandma was coming and we think that thinking of Grandma and understanding that is her mom's mom that it makes it hard for her to cope with everything. It brings up things that she can remember. Rose does not say too much. Rose usually talks about it when The Dancer does. I think being Rose is younger she is forgetting her some. She doesn't remember as much as The Dancer.

3 years? What if its sooner? What if its longer? There are so many what ifs. Can I happily just wish and pray for her to never come back? But then what is that doing? She is the women who gave birth to them. They do have a right to know her but in what way?

The Grandma gave them a present that their birth mom sent for them. It was a box of Bendaroos (they advertise them on tv and we told the girls we would only buy them if we found them in the store. They are cheap and not worth it). Anyways, she also sent them things at Christmas. What is the reason for this? Is she trying to buy their love? Sending them gift is not going to make life better for them.

There are just alot of what ifs. Things that we can only prepare ourselves for when they happen. I also fear that no matter what those girls will in some way suffer. They are so well taken care of here. They are so very spoiled by not only hubby and I but our families. They are so loved. But they will always have to deal with the fact that their birth mom left them.

I will always have to deal with the fact that she may come back.